Home Grown

homegrown

Below are a list of home grown monologues by local Toronto writers! Feel free to use a monologue for your performance at the Toronto Monologue Slam. Please make sure to credit the author.

For any other use please contact the author for permission. You can email us and we will connect you with the author.

CLASS REUNIONS by Brendan Jeffers

Class reunions.
They fall right in between prostate exams and micro-waving kittens on my list of things I like doing.
I’ve done none of the aforementioned things, but I’ll stick with the analogy. There can’t be anything more agonizing than getting together with some people that at best would score maybe a four out of ten on the friend scale, ’cause if you really cared for them, you’d probably see them on weekends, instead of–

Cassia and I go way back to… Well, I guess History class. She tutored me on Etymology and Lit. I tried not to stare at her tits. Of course Ugai and Mike were and still are my best friends, but Cassia was someone special. We studied together, hung out together, protested to bring back cassette tapes together. Don’t
ask. We smoked-up together for the first time, got drunk together.

We even formed a band. Just the two of us. We sucked. We went shopping, to the prom… We even fell in love…in the spring play… Almost. I just couldn’t bring up how I felt about her.
… And in the end, we never fell in love in real life either.

DIARY

Read it! No, go ahead and read it out loud.
I wasn’t snooping…you left it laying around and I just happened upon it.
I wasn’t even going to read it…I simply asked “is this your diary”
I thought it was funny…that’s all…a grown woman keeping a diary. It’s something teenagers do..
But then you nearly ripped my arm off taking it back…and the red flags went up.
So tell me, what is it that you’re so afraid for me to know. Me, your husband.
Go on …I’ll wait…
No, I don’t want to read it, I want you to read it for me.
(beat)
You’re such a fucking coward.
(Beat…he reads..becomes emotional)
You write about your affairs in such explicit detail…it’s like I was there…I mean technically I was here…with our daughter…while you were with…them
You know that part that gets me…with all these men…
My name only appears once…after the words “I really feel bad for cheating on Dan…”
I guess I wasn’t worth mentioning.

DISTANCE

Are you kidding me?! You’re really gonna break up with me over the phone..you coward. At least have the courage to do it in person.
Nope. No. The problem is that when we’re together everything is rainbows and blowjobs but the instant we’re apart you turn into this whiney, co-dependent, melodramatic headcase
We’ve been together for what? 8 months…and like every other month you have some psycotic meltdown…which means staying up till 3am in the morning talking about it…and that’s west coast time, which means 6am for me.
And if that isn’t enough, every other month I have to jump on a damn plane and fly half way across the country….for what? To see a movie?
Do you know how much a it costs to see a movie in Toronto? $25 bucks..you know how much it costs to see a movie in LA? $825 bucks! You ever heard of Netflix?!
Listen, I really like you…I really really like you. And as much as I miss you…like all the time. I’m so grateful every day just knowing that somewhere out there is the smart, sensitive, funny and amazing woman I’ve dreamed of my whole life…and not only does she exist…I know where she lives.
And If that’s not enough then I guess….Hello? Hello?

FIRED

Fired?! You can’t fire me, I quit!
No wait…I don’t mean that…sorry…it’s just something people always say.
I actually really need this job…like really really need this job.
So how about you tell me what I can do to…
Nothing?!…how can you say that?
I mean nothing is almost never..and they say you should never say never so you should probably not say nothing…
Take it back. No I’m serious. You better take it back.
What will I do if you don’t?
I don’t know…I haven’t thought that far ahead.
I guess that’s my problem isn’t. I don’t think ahead
Otherwise I would’ve saw this coming…
Always showing up to work late, taking loooong lunches, stealing office supplies, scrolling through instagram when I should be working…
Nope you’re right…you are absolutely right to fire me…I’m gonna go now.

GOOD BOY

Ah come on man! Please don’t do this to me now.
Listen…I’m not here to tell you what to do.
I believe we’re all born free and as such are to unaliable rights and freedoms.
Life, liberty and pursuit of happnin
But what you’re doing right now man…
You’re making us look like a couple of assholes thats’ what
I’m not here to oppress you…or put you in bondage.
I’ve
Despite the looks and
Now please…please I’m begging you…would you just go already so we can get on with the rest of this walk
Good boy.

PINA COLADAS by Lauren Schell

Jimmy Buffet’s “Escape” plays over the radio. MAGGIE, 20s dances around to it absent mindedly as she checks her text messages. She hums the tune a bit. She reads something she doesn’t like. Tilting her head her eyes narrow.

Have you ever listened to the lyrics of this song?
And don’t say ‘ya, it’s about pina coladas and romantic rain rendevous’
Like, I mean have you ever, like REALLY listened to this song?
Cause really
It’s about a man who is bored with his ‘lady’ and looks up a personal ad and CALLS IT” So… like THINK ABOUT IT

Don’t you get it it? He fucking CALLS UP this un-known woman from the personal ad because he’s bored of his current relationship, it’s like god-damn Ashley Madison from the 80’s but the point is HE IS IN A RELATIONSHIP

So he calls up this ad looking for a little something-something on the side and the woman who shows up is HIS girlfriend, or wife, or whatever- but the point is SHE shows up and they see eachother and they laugh!

They fucking laugh!
Like, ‘ha ha ha what a funnny coincidence this is !’

(Picking up her phone she gets sad)

I wouldn’t laugh, I’d be like UGH what the fuck are you doing putting out a personal ad, buddy. What’s missing from our life…beside pina coladas.

I guess it’s kind of nice- two people who weren’t communicating and they found a way to reconnect and find eachother again.

I mean I guess it’s kind of cute when you think about it or like enviable. I mean at least they’re talking, right?

SLEEP

In the beginning it was just me …and life was good.
The perks of being single include, in no particular order, not sharing a bed or the remote control, always getting the last bite and sleep…sleeping in, sleeping out and sleeping with whoever I wanted…just good old fashioned sleep.
The only downside was…it was lonely….cripplingly…debilitatingly…inexplicably lonely….
So I went out and picked up a man….in hindsight a good tub of ice cream probably would’ve sufficed, but hindsight is 20/20
So then it was Peter…and me
The perks of Peter included, back rubs, feet rubs, head rubs, access to the top shelf and having consistent, mostly good sex without having to run up the old scoreboard.
Although this also meant sharing half my bed, 2/3rds of the remote control…and being woken up at night by his incessant snoring…..
But life is filled with tiny concessions isn’t it….
(beat)
Then along came Oliver….a tiny infant that god bless him, was the result of too much tequila, expired birth control pills and a broken condom. The perfect storm.
So now it’s Peter, Oliver and …me….
Which means I have a third of the bed, use of the remote control only between spongebob square pants…which is on like 24 fucking seven for some reason and the Dallas Cowboys…Thank god for Netflix. And sleep (laughs) yeah…I’m lucky if I get to sit down and blink at the same time.
Now …I know what you’re thinking…how could this get any worse right?
Well…let me introduce you to Sprat…a cockapoo…or spoodle…depending on if you’re a glass half full or empty kinda gyal…that Peter recently decided to pick up from the local rescue.
Sprat…which is short for stop shitting all over my goddam carpet…is probably the best thing to happen to me. And I don’t mean that he’s a great thing…I just mean in comparison to my other permanent house guests…he’s not all that bad. He sleeps on the floor, doesn’t cut into my netlfix time, aside from demanding a belly rub…and sleep…well…he gets plenty of the both of us.
So for those of you still keeping track…that’s Peter, Oliver, Sprat and …little old me….
Don’t get me wrong…I’m not complaining….I love them…I do…I can’t imagine my life without them. But somewhere in all this…I’m still somehow lonely….cripplingly…debilitatingly…inexplicably lonely….and I haven’t had a good sleep in years….

YOUR FATHER by Lauren Schell

ETHEL, late 50’s, enters the waiting room and stares at her grown daughter. She fidgets a bit and pulls a handkerchief out as she dabs her eyes. She stares at her daughter for a long while as anger starts to boil over.

Your father is a good man you know!
I know it’s hard to imagine right now, but he was.
He was great, okay. I know it’s unbelievable but you didn’t know him like I did and I think you need to hear this. Just, listen..okay.okay?

She sits down, exhausted

I remember, there was this one night when you were about three or maybe four, I don’t remember but it was the night of the Supermoon
when the moon’s is full and at its closest orbit to earth.

Your father said it appeared 14% .bigger or something like that.
He loved numbers and was a real cocky SOB about it…
but this night I could feel him pull back the covers so gently and usually he was real noisy and such doin anything getting out of bed, stomp-stomp-stompin’ to the bathroom and such so, it was peculiar how gingerly he pulled those blankets back.

Tip toeing down the hallway like a cat burglar. So I rose naturally and followed him, so curious. When I arrived at your doorway I could hear excited whispers.

Holding you up to the window, Evan- your father -pointed towards the moon, which glared with the power of a spotlight.

She stands and stares off into the distance

“It’s called a ‘supermoon’,he whispered “That’s what they call it when the Moon comes closer to earth than it ever has before”

She smiles, remembering a man she use to know

“But Daddy! It’s going to crash into us!”
your little hands gripped around his neck so tight as you craned in closer to the window
I heard a small thud and my heart froze as I imagined your little head colliding with the frosty window pane but your Father’s hand was lighting quick and I relaxed as I realized it was the sound of knuckles on glass that had made the noise.

“If we worry about crashing Hannah bo nana, we most certainly will.
What we put energy into is what we receive energy from.”
He told you and he brushed your hair
off your face and tucked you into bed. I had never seen him act that way towards you. He was always so tough, so detached, but that night getting to share something he was proud of with you, getting to protect you softened something in his heart.

He wasn’t perfect but when you jumped he always wanted to catch you. Even if you couldn’t see it. Even if he failed.

Before you were born your Father use to say I was the reason it all mattered, the most important person to him, that he would take a bullet for me. Yet when you were born, I could see in his eyes that should a bullet come he would gladly throw my body in front of it to shield you.

Do you know, I loved him even more for that? That’s a parent’s love.

It’s bigger than anything you could possibly understand because you were MADE by them, you’re a part of them and its their job to guide you in the world, keep you safe and help you stay happy for every day that you’re breathing.
The thing is , well there isn’t exactly a “how to “ manual, honey. If you are spending your life trying to become a well adjusted human and you weren’t exactly guided, or safe or happy or god forbid all of those things at once, well then it becomes a little “foggy” on how to do that for someone else, even if you were MADE by them even if you MADE them. Your Father wasn’t perfect. He didn’t have all the answers.

He was never given those.
He Sometimes..okay, a lot…well
he could be judgemental and quick to anger and just a downright jerk.

Here’s the thing you need to understand,
and it’s a rough lesson we all have to learn as we grow :Everyone has faults,
and your parents get to be included in that mix. Everyone has something that makes them downright impossible to deal with occasionally so learn that quick so you can love the ones you’ve got while you got them problems and all. One day, they will die and that will be it and all you with have is the knowledge that you spent so much of your time hating them and that won’t make you feel better, honey. It will just leave you empty. It will just leave you hollow. Maybe your parents are to blame for all the hurt you have, they probably are; but any person is going to leave us feeling all sorts of feelings if we spend so much time investing and being invested into by them. Be kind my darling, he failed you but know his intentions were to always protecting that little girl and show her the brightest moments he could. One day he will be gone and you will regret all of this anger, so don’t . Stop being mad and forgive him. Forgive him for you, baby for you.